Strangers
by petite etoile22
Summary: I was young, and in love, and all the things I'll never be again :Lucas finds out why Ros joined the service. Spoilers for the whole of series 7.


**_I don't know what came over me, but this is chock full of angst. I nearly even cried whilst writing this._**

**_Disclaimer: Spooks belongs to Kudos and the BBC._**

* * *

Lucas enters Harry's office to find her lying in the same position he left her in over three hours ago. He was just grateful the blinds were closed, and that everyone had gone to get some rest, with the exception of Malcolm, who was a discreet and tactful fellow anyway. Dolby wants a full debrief, and is adamant that he see Ros tonight. Lucas perches on Harry's desk, seemingly aware of the invisible wall Ros has constructed around herself as she allows the events of the past six months take their toll. She knows it isn't the most opportune moment but she doesn't have a choice; the emotions hit her before she had a chance to lock them away with anything else that was vaguely human about her.

"Ros?"

Silence.

"Dolby wants to see you in the meeting room."

Ros continues staring straight ahead, as if she is unaware of his presence.

"He wants to talk to you about Harry."

No response.

"He wants to hear your version of what happened to Connie."

Her eyes locked on to his, and all Lucas could see was raw, unadulterated grief.

"She blew up, Lucas, you know that. She blew up just like Adam did. Just like they did."

Lucas decides to ignore the fact that Ros seems to be breaking down before his very eyes. Instead, he tries to get her up off the floor before anyone comes in and sees her.

"Ros, you need to get up. Now. If Dolby sees you, he'll cart you off to Tring and what good will you be to Harry there?"

"He won't cart me off to Tring." Her voice is frail, broken even, but Lucas can feel the underlying tone of finality in that statement.

"And why is that?"

"Because I'm more of a liability there, than I ever will be in the field."

"I don't think that's possible..."

"You don't know me. You shouldn't know me Lucas." Ros whispers. She reaches out her hand, and he thinks its to haul herself to her feet, before he's suddenly lying on the office floor next to her.

"She detonated the bomb, and she died. What more does he want me to say?"

"I don't know Ros, I really don't know."

"I can still see it... Do you have family Lucas?"

"Not anymore. Do you?"

"No, not anymore."

"Since your father?" Lucas asked tentatively. He hadn't wanted to know but Jo has just mentioned it one day in conversation. He didn't care what she had done back then, or before her prodigal return to Section D. He firmly believed that the past should stay in the past.

"I didn't have a family long before that. They disappeared."

"I'm sorry." Lucas doesn't know why those words came out of his mouth. He thinks it's the habit of saying them whenever anyone reveals a loss; he doesn't believe he means them.

"I had a little girl. I had a little girl, and a man who loved me unconditionally. And I was young, and foolish, and in love, and all the things I can never be again."

"It's not listed on your files, how old were you?" Lucas thinks he should be less practical, but Russia has tainted him too much.

"She was born two weeks after my 18th. Oh, my mother was livid but my father didn't care. I still had my place at Cambridge; it wasn't like I was throwing my life away. Besides, Adrian wouldn't have let me."

"Adrian?"

"Isis's father. We just lived out our lives. I took a gap year, and then started uni. I was given special dispensation to have accomodation suitable for the three of us to live together. Sure, we didn't live the student life, but it was our life and we were happy."

"And then?"

"And then we had our year out. We were reading Oriental Studies. We were out there when the troubles started."

"They were kidnapped?"

"We went to the market one day," Ros continues, seemingly ignoring his question, "Isis loved it there. I think it was the colours and the sounds. I was buying some spices when it happened. Adrian had taken her to see the silks; the feel of them against her skin always made her giggle, Isis was dreadfully ticklish. And then, 'poof'; they just disappeared."

Lucas remembers hearing a similar sound in that cafe, when Ben's cell member gleeful informed him of what would happen when they carried out the attacks. He knows what happened to her family. He knows, even if she doesn't.

"Ros, they didn-"

"I'm not a fool, Lucas." Ros smiles with a melancholic acceptance. "But what happened to them wasn't dying. That wasn't dying..." Lucas hears her heart break all over again. "It was annihilation. There was nothing left. They couldn't even leave me _something_. Just _something_ to bury, to prove that they existed. To prove that they were my family, and the people I love most in the world."

"I'm sorry." This time, Lucas knows he means it.

"I've never told anyone this. I don't know why I'm telling you." Her eyes tell him that she is genuinely looking for an explanation; it isn't just some contrite saying people always blurt out in situations like these.

"It's because I don't know you."

"You don't, do you?" Ros sighs, deep in the throes of painful nostalgia. "She was beautiful Lucas. So beautiful, with her dark hair, and honeyed skin, and rich chestnut eyes. When she was born, I used to sit up all night and watch her sleep, just to make sure she was still alive, still with me. I was terrified that if anything were to happen to her, I'd die. And when it did, I was terrified because I hadn't. I was just _terrified_. And then my father flew out."

"What did he do?"

"He planted trees in their honour; one there, and one here in England. He told me to come home. He told me that I shouldn't be afraid anymore."

"Why?"

Ros takes a shuddering gasp of a breath, and there is a moment's silence as her tears spill over and run down her cheeks. She reminds him of a small child.

"Because nothing bad was going to happen to her; she was safe. She was safe with Adrian, and nothing bad was ever going to happen to her again... So I came home."

"And joined the service." Lucas murmured softly.

"And I joined six. Because I'd seen first hand what one person and a button can do. They knew, and as soon as they were sure I wouldn't launch a vendetta, they wiped that bit of my past from the records. I think only the DG is authorised to see that part of my personnel file." she laughs weakly, and the sound shocks Lucas into pulling the exhausted blonde to her feet.

"Ros-"

"I'll see him tomorrow. Tomorrow. I need time. I'm not infallible, Lucas. And I can't deal with Dolby right now, not with everything that's happened, not with Harry. I'm not infallible. I'm not that strong. I'm not. I'm just...not."

"I know. Neither am I."

Lucas thinks that one day, he will tell Ros the story of his time in Russia. Not as some kind of repayment, but because the blonde spook is right.

They don't know each other.

They're strangers.

And for some unfathomable reason, that means they can give each other their souls.


End file.
